Today was a lovely day- it was mild and not too windy- a lovely day to be out and about. We went shopping for items needed for an upcoming event that I'm volunteering for. A luncheon for fifty- and so we went to Sam's to buy some big ticket items. The day had started out with sourdough pancakes and sausage- my husband made breakfast. It was wonderful, as always!
As we sat down, I realized I had some things on my mind, things that I needed to run by Jon, and so I did. As we talked a bit, I realized that I wasn't hitting the note that he was hoping for on the beautiful day. I hate being the one who has heavy things on her heart- so many women seem so light- and I tend to be the thinker, the one planning, the one with the idea, the one that can see what needs to be done. If only these things could be lighter- just give them the audience they require, then move on quickly!
We were on the way to Sam's by now- and yes, there was still more rattling around my noggin. Another great idea- and so, with one last try- a hope to get these things off my mind and "out there" to be used- or disregarded- I shared my thoughts. It wasn't even related to our family- but other responsibilities that we have. And it was a good idea! So- out it came- and then something fabulous happened... I let it go! I just let the whole thing go and was overcome by the lovely and most delicious sense of peace!
This insight came to me- all in all- I am nothing. Without God- without His enabling me- I would be nothing- whatever I am to do, its for His glory and His pleasure- I am a vessel- and He gives this vessel a certain way of operating- a function in the Body- a part of the Whole. If there is something on my mind that the Lord has placed there- my job is to do what I can about it, or pass it on to someone that can do something about it- and then let it go- just let it go- so once I was able to voice these ideas- instead of continuing to carry their weight- I was free! That heaviness and toil was lifted- and I had the best day- people would even watch me walk by- and I'm nothing to look at- but I believe the peace that passes all understanding was all over me- and that's really something these days!
I made a decision not too long ago- that I had to lighten up for my health and sanity- that there is simply too much going on to be concerned about and responsible for- and sometimes one must step back and reevaluate. The root of the problem was that I had been a bit overcome by the idea of our dd being nearly ready to move on to the next stage in her life. She's soon to be 15, and we aren't too far from some life changes in our family. As I began to think about "What will I do when she's moved on?" I began to scramble- should I be getting some sort of training or schooling- what do I want to do with my life- where do I feel I'm called to serve- should I prepare now? And on it went- till I was in a tizzy. Our dd was wanting to know what she's going to be when she grows up, and I wanted to know the same for myself.
"You've got potential!" the world screams- "You should do something with yourself!" our foremothers call out- "You can be anything you want to be!" is our generation's motto. We've heard this until we could recite it in our sleep. A woman couldn't possibly be happy staying at home and making a life for herself there- right?
And so- after balling my eyes out in prayer- then feeling better for a couple of days- then crying again-- I received an answer- and my answer was simply spoken in my heart- "This is what you wanted." Yes, this life is what I had wanted- to be a stay-at-home-mom, then we homeschooled (and still are)- and somehow, in my mind, when these years were over- I would have nothing to do with myself (after cleaning and organizing the house for a month- that is)- and I would need to find something to do. I don't necessarily have to go get a job- but wouldn't I get bored out of mind, wouldn't I at least need to do some sort of volunteering or just get a little part time job for some sort of outlet for myself?
When this still, small quiet voice from the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart- I was amazed- and felt a little embarrassed- because I was busy wanting- when God has already given me what I had wanted all along! Suddenly I was free to feel content. Peace was my companion, because I didn't need to over think the future. I can be happy at home- a happy wife- even if our dd does move on with her life. I'll always be her mother, but our roles will change- my role as wife will continue, and it is a role I love and enjoy. As I begin to focus on the future, I can see the joy that is ahead of me, just as I see the joy that is front of me now!
